Dad, Me, You and Halloween memories....good times

The Halloween weekend is over and I have been doing much reflection on our Halloweens together.

I know that each of you kids have different memories of the holidays but as you know-Halloween was one my favorites.

Every year I would buy an array of unique Halloween decorations. I wanted our home to be the one that had decorations like no other. Of course cob webs, spiders, bats, ghost and pumpkins were all over our yard and home but every year we would make a scarecrow called Hayward. I would go to the self-help on post and get bales of hay and then you kids and I would stuff an old pair of jeans and a flannel shirt and prop "Hayward" on the hay piles. Your friends liked to come over and help us stuff Hayward.  His head was a pumpkin that we would carve later. He was a celebrity every year in the neighborhood.

I also would take you kids to pick out your own smaller pumpkins and you would paint and decorate them every year from your craft box.

Your craft box was a Tupperware filled with buttons, feathers, glitter, paints, markers to name a few things and we would make crafts quite often.

On the night of Halloween, I would prop up a cassette player(until DVD's became popular) in the window and play scary music. Our home was pretty much the tackiest decorated house on the block and you kids would say-

"Mommy, our house is the best one in the neighborhood."

Honestly-I liked hearing that because I had to agree.

My first memories of costumes is of course is with you KJ.

When you were about 6 the movie Space Jam came out and that was your all time favorite.

I found you a jersey like this one above and you lived in it. You also asked me to play. the Space Jam sound track over and over again.

I loved their music myself.

I pretty much allowed you children to choose what you wanted to dress up as and one of my favorite costumes you chose was a magician. You went through a stage where you loved trying to do magic tricks.
I had found you a few magic kits and you would be in your bedroom practicing for hours. Then of course, you would have magic shows for all of us. I must admit-you got pretty good. I knew that once the Harry Potter book series came out, I made sure to volunteer at the Scholastic Book Fairs at your school each year so I could buy all 7 at a discounted price. As you got older, you wanted scarier costumes. I took you to Walmart and there was a mask that when you pressed a button, blood would drip from the face. At the time, you did not know that it came from a movie called "Scream."

You just thought it was a cool mask. With much hesitation and a promise from you that you would not show the blood dripping down from that mask to Justin-I got it for you.
It was the year you were old enough to Trick-Or-Treat with your friends and you could not wait.

Megan-from the very beginning dressing up like a princess or a doll WAS NOT going to be your choice as a costume. You hated bows, ribbons or any type of "pretty" in your hair. Dresses were like the plague to you. To even try to convince you to wear pretty little sandals or dress shoes was torture and a constant battle so being that I tried to pick my battles with you children-whether in a dress or not-you wore sneakers with everything and God forbid if they were pink.

So, when Halloween Costume shopping would be upon us there was not doubt in my mind that you were going to be a vampire, a ghost, a scary monster or a werewolf. Your best costume ever was the werewolf. Do you remember that it took me almost 2 hours to glue the hair to your face and arms? I bought the fake hair at a craft store called Michaels and was ready to take on the task and it was worth it. NO ONE recognized you. Not even Dad. Dad came home from work and I told you to go outside and knock one the door in about 5 minutes and then ask for Megan. You did just that and your Dad said-"And you are?" Then you laughed and said-
"Dad-it's me Megan."

He couldn't believe it. It was epic.

Now my darling Amanda. You were the princess. All you wanted to wear was pink, glitter, shiny, sparkly and girly. I don't know why I even asked you every year what you wanted to be. Every year you would say-"Mommy, a princess of course."

So, I made sure to buy princess costumes for the next year because there was no doubt that you were going to choose being a princess. No, wait-there was one year while we were living at Fort Belvoir Va that you said-

"Mommy-I don't want to be a princess this year. I was shocked and asked you what you wanted to be. With my anticipation you looked at me and said-"I am going to be a cheerleader"

 Your best friend Ashley at the time had an older sister Morgan that was a cheerleader and you and Ash would watch the movie-"Bring it On" over and over again.

Either way, I am blessed with two beautiful princesses. 

You are both beautiful Meg and Mandy and I am so thankful for God's blessing of two wonderful daughters.

Justin-your favorite movie was Toy Story and I knew immediately that I was going to have to run out and beat the crowd to buy a Buzz Light-year and a Woody Costume. Not only did you wear them for Halloween but you slept in those costumes. One day you decided to be Woody and one day you decided to be Buzz Lightyear. You would go to with me to the commissary, Walmart, the bank, the dry cleaners and even Dad's work in those costumes. I made sure to buy 2 of each because I knew they would wear out. It wasn't until one year when you told me-"Mommy-I don't want to be Buzz or Woody for Halloween. I want to wear KJ's mask that drips blood. It was then that I knew that my little baby boy was growing up. So I let you wear that mask that your big brother wore years before and watched you skip down the sidewalk exited that abundant candy was going to be in your future.

When we would get home from getting candy, I would sit on the floor with you kids and go through your treats. My favorite was Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and each one of you would say-

"Here Mommy-you can have one of mine"

You have no idea how much I treasured your gifts from your Halloween candy.

All of you were so very sweet and generous.

Your dad and I also had some good memories with Halloween. I can remember one year in particular that your dad and I laughed for awhile about this next incindent.

Remember the scarecrow Hayward I wrote about above? Well one year we propped Hayward on the porch and instead of a pumpkin for a head-I used a gorilla mask. You kids were old enough to get candy with your friends so Dad and I stayed behind and gave out candy. I told him that I was going to dress in the scarecrows clothes and wear the mask and I asked him to put the candy bowl in my lap. You see, for 3 weeks people got use to seeing that scarecrow on our porch so it would never cross their mind it was me inside. 

As the older and let me stress the older kids came to the door to get candy from the bowl on my lap-they just thought I was Hayward. I would jump up and it would scare the poop out of them.

Anyway, one father of a trick-or treater stood back and was talking to your Dad. This guy was a smart-ass and looked at your Dad and said-"So, who is this....your wife? He had never met me. He was making a joke that your dad was married to a scarecrow. I jumped up and screamed. I swear he peed himself.
Then your father looked at him and said-"As a matter of fact-It is my wife."

Needless to say-that guy never came to our house again. :)

I kept every costume. Every dress. Every mask and put them in what you kids called-

"The Dress Up Box"

Those items were destroyed after I was forced out of your lives but that's ok.
My memories have not been destroyed and it is my goal to make sure that my memories with you are never forgotten.
I will continue to write.

I want you children to remember the happy times we shared and the holidays was defiantly a part of our legacy together as a family.

I hope all of you had a great Halloween.

I will be writing more soon about other holiday memories we shared and please feel free to share your memories and thoughts with me publicly or privately.

I love each of you very much.

As Megan posted on Justin's 16th birthday video-

"We do not remember days-We remember moments"

It is time to start remembering the "happy"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDhYRSqqatI&list=UU0JA1zp8bX_R5Au2dV9PFSQ

Summer memories with you children

The end of summer is approaching quickly. I have been reminiscent about my summers with you children over the years.
Once school was out, I knew we were headed for unlimited sleepovers, picnics and going to the pool.

I learned very quickly that I had to be crafty with the whole sleepover thing. Boys and girls did not mix well in our small home so sometimes you kids would have to take turns. But, it didn't always work out that way.

You boys had limited requests on your sleepovers-Pizza, PlayStation games and more pizza.
I have to admit, that you boys sleepovers were less demanding than your sisters. The only arguments that happened was over who's turn it was on the game.

You girls had different requests.
Meg-you wanted to be able to go to the park near us and play soccer with Maddie and then come home and watch movies and eat junk food.

And then there is my Amanda-
Amanda-you and Ashley wanted me to rent Bring It On for like the hundredth time. And of course, there had to be nail polish, makeup, and you girls would go into my closet to play dress up.
You two would dance and sing to Brittney Spears which drove your big bro KJ nuts and he would pick on you girls endlessly over it.

Oh the fights I had to break up over the-
"Mom, tell Kevin to stop making fun of Brittney Spears"
"Mom, tell Justin to stop following me shaking his butt"
"Mom, tell the girls to stop knocking on my door when my friends are over"
"Mom, Justin is making fart noises to my friends."
"Mom Megan won't talk to me"
"Mom Amanda is following me around the house"
And the list goes on...
I treasure those moments and wish we could have had more together.

Do you guys remember "the nest?"
We would gather all the blankets and pillows we had and make a nest in the livingroom while we watched movies. Something that Nana and Papa Seebauer would do with me and my siblings when we were little. Your friends loved the idea of the nest" and started doing it in their homes.
I still sometimes make a pillow nest today when I watch movies.
Such awesome moments. :)


We pretty much lived at the pool and I became the "pool" mom.
I would load you 4 up in the van and then your friends piled in one by one. I think at one point between Kendrick, Sterling, Ashly, Maddie, Patrick, Lacy, Jessica, Meaghan, Jake, Joe, Ethan and Davy on almost a daily basis, we always had a car load.
Thank goodness for our van.

What about going to the Zoos? I took you children to the zoos so much that it was cheaper for me to buy a yearly pass.
Megan-you loved the monkeys.
Amanda-you loved the dolphins
Justin-you loved the lions and tigers and
KJ-you love all the animals. You did not have a favorite.
I love every moment we spent together-except for the arguing between the 4 of you. Then I wanted to put you in the zoo. LOL!

I did enjoy the summers with you children and now I treasure every moment we shared on those days.
Remember the water slide we would make with the Little Tykes castle? I would put a water slide underneath the slide on the castle slide and then we ran the hose down it so you kids would slide faster?
What about the water gun fights?
Hey KJ remember that time when Patrick shot me in the face with a water gun and I told him that I would pay him back? Oh I got him good with you high powered water gun. Good times.

I just wanted to share a few wonderful memories that we had as a family during the summer months and I hope that each of will recall some of your own.
If you kids want to share the memories you recall, please email them to me. tammany.girl@gmail.com
We all remember different things and I want to document all of them so you children have a written legacy of the "happy"

Know that I never regretted a single moment with any of you kids. I treasured all of them.

The pic below was taken in Fort Belvoir Va in the summer. As you can see, you all have tans.
All of you are beautiful and I am so thankful that I am your mom.
I am proud of each of you.

I hope that all of you continue to enjoy your summer and always remember that no matter what has been said, felt or believed-I have always loved each of you.

For you Justin Ryan Landers

Justin-
As you can see in this collage, I have several baby pictures of you. I do still hope you have your baby photo album that holds all the rest of your childhood milestones while your sisters, your brother and I were in your life.
Much time has past and you and I have missed out on moments that mothers and sons should share. But, one day you will given information by myself and others that will allow you to "fill in the gaps" of a story you've been told that most likely does not make sense.
Until then-I want you to know that I treasured every moment you and I shared. Especially the times when your older siblings were in school and it was just you and me. You made me laugh everyday with you sense of humor, your mischievous ways and your sweetness to everyone around you. Specific moments when you got stuck in the pantry because you wanted Oreo cookies after I told you no. I had a hard time reprimanding you because right when I unstuck the door-you looked at me and said-
"I didn't eat any cookies Mommy" as Oreo cookie crumbs were covering your face.
You had a way of tattling on yourself without knowing it. Another time you came running in from outside and sat next to me and said-
"Mommy, I didn't knock Kev's bike over"
I had to try not to chuckle at your innocence of lying to me but telling me the truth at the same time.
Everything you did-you went head first without fear. When you were 41/2 years old, you climbed on your big brothers bike and starting peddling. I asked you who taught you to ride and with your big brown eyes you looked at me and said-
"I did because I want to ride bikes with the big boys.
While we were stationed at Fort Belvoir you did not hesitate to jump off the diving board at the Officers Club Pool when you were 5 years old. Everyone including the lifeguards would scream-
"Body slam Justin" and sure enough you would hop 3 times and body slam the water. You defiantly put grey hairs on my head. :) Everyone was in love with your cuteness and bravery. You were always hungry for knowledge and asked me questions constantly like-
"Mommy if you dug a whole here in the United States would you be able to reach China?"
No was not a good enough answer for you. Many times you and I would go to the library and research your questions that you asked me because I did not always have an answer that satisfied you. While trying to help you understand your questions-I learned real fast that it only caused your sweet mind to ask even more questions that popped into you head. We spent ALOT of time at the library and reading books and to be honest-some of your questions helped me learn something new as well. I remember every moment we shared in detail and maybe one day we can reminisce about them.

You went a mile a minute from the time you got up until the time you went to bed. But at the end of the day-you would want me to sing to you as I rubbed your chest and belly. I can still picture you laying in your bed with your hands behind your head, your feet crossed, eyes closed and smiling as you would drift off to sleep. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star was one of your favorite songs. You also liked" Look at Teddy, He's So Tired.." and Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra.
I do wish I had one more night to sing you those songs but now that you are a young man-your life's path is turning from a funny, goofy, sweet boy to a more serious, focused, independent young man. I have lost much time with you but never for one moment do not think that I wasn't cheering you on in the shadows, shedding tears of missing you, and hoping that you dreamed about me the way I always dream about you.
Speaking of dreaming-
One night, close to the time of the divorce, you came running up to my side of the bed and asked me if you could sleep with me. You had a bad dream and without ever turning down a cuddle from any of you children, I held you close to me. As you started to get tired-You said-
"Mommy, can you hold my hand and keep holding it until I fall asleep?"
Of course I said yes but I did ask you why you wanted me to.
Your response is one I will never forget.You said-
"Because if a monster comes into my dream I want you to pull me away from him ok Mommy?"
What you don't know Justin is I never went to sleep that night because I was afraid that if I fell asleep and you had a bad dream, I wouldn't be awake to pull you out of it. I NEVER let go of your hand.

I wish I could have been there for you all these years to hold your hand but we cannot change the past. We can only control today and how we respond to it.
I am immensely proud of you. Not just because of what you are to me as my son but what you strive to be as a young man. Do not allow others to take credit for the choices you made and will make. You will make bad choices and you will make good choices but this is your life now to choose who you want to be, how you want to be and where you want to take yourself. This is your journey and I as your mother am cheering you on to become whatever makes you happy.
This about you and no one else. As you did when you were a little boy-go full force and never look back. Give life a "body slam" and be proud that you survived childhood. I won't try to hold you back but if you ever want to grab my hand because things are getting a little scary-
I want you to know my sweet Justy that my hand and heart is waiting for your grasp whenever you are ready.

Be at peace and know that you are loved by all of us-
I love you Justin-
Mom

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows. It's what the sunflowers do.” 

This blog is dedicated to my four children.

I am a thinker and a writer and have been so since I can remember. Because of this, I want to remind my children through my words and memories how awesome they are and how very proud of them I am today. 

We shared many years together and created wonderful, happy, strong memories. I never want them to forget how important they are.
My 4 children are the most beautiful, loving souls that I have ever met.

I met one of them on November 16^th 1990. His name is Kevin Paul.
I met the second one on October 13^th 1992. Her name is Megan Yvonne.
I met the third soul, Amanda Nicole, on January 27^th 1995 and then -by a wonderful surprise- I met the fourth soul on September 28^th 1996…my youngest son Justin Ryan.
Each one of these sweet humans has no idea how much the world changed and will continue to change for the better because of their existence.

When I was a little girl, I loved to be outdoors. I, for all intent and purposes, was a "tomboy". I hated dresses, makeup, and my feminine body when I was younger.

But there were two things that soothed me and made me more confidant - animals and gardening. It was an escape for me to be outdoors and I wanted to give my children the same experiences I had as a child.

After I got married to my children's father, I decided that every spring I was going to teach them how to garden. We planted vegetables, bulbs, seeds and an array of flowers. While stationed at Fort Lenordwood Missouri, the kids and I had the biggest vegetable garden we ever had because of the yard size on post. There was a year that we planted watermelons and pumpkins and learned real fast that the deer LOVED watermelon and pumpkins. 

KJ-you will remember this because one year you were so excited that we were growing our own pumpkins for Halloween. You would run out everyday to check to see if it was ready. Around the middle of October in 1997, you ran outside before school and the pumpkins were gone...All of them. You were so sad and the only way I could soothe you is to tell you that the poor deers had Bambi's at home and the momma dears had to feed their family. :) 

I have said a million times to you children and others that I loved growing up on a farm and I will also write about the "farm stories that I shared with each of you. 
Being a military family that moved about every 2 years, I decided that I would bring the farm to you kids. There are no better life lessons than to cultivate a garden or take care of animals that rely on you.
My goal was to share things I had learned as a child with all of you

With life, there will be moments of pain.
That is not what this blog is about. This blog is about the laughter, the sunshine, the animals, the memories and the growth we all shared as a family.

You-my beautiful children are sunflowers and I am proud of each of you. No matter where your paths take you there is one thing that will always be known-You are my children and I love you immensely.

Why are you my sunflowers?

KJ when you were 2 years old, I wanted to show you how a seed could grow into a big, huge flower. Sun flowers are such a resilient, strong, happy flowers AND they produce their own seeds for the next growing season.

Sunflowers cannot be pushed over easy; their stalks are tough; sunflowers turn to the sun; I swear they smile at you when you look at them.

I remember that you children were amazed that no matter where the sun was, the sunflowers faced it. KJ, you said to me once, "Mommy, I am going to watch the sunflowers turn to see the sun!"
You sat in the window - on and off for 3 hours - and gave me a constant report.  I will never forget your excitement because you made me excited about watching the sunflowers and in your words,
"turn their flower heads to the sunshine!"
Every year at the end of the month of May, I would plant sunflower seeds with each of you. Every year, all of you were so excited because sunflower seeds grow within about 10 days after their seeds are planted.

I told you- KJ, Meg, Mandy and Justin that you were responsible for your own sunflower seeds. So each day you children would go out and water your own seeds.

I actually put sticks in the ground and labeled them with your names so you would know which seed was yours.

As you children got older, it became a sunflower competition each spring and you would ask me,

"Mommy, whose sunflower seed is going to bloom first?"
"Whose sunflower is going to be bigger?"
At one point, all 4 of you actually asked me if you could win a prize if your sunflower was the biggest. 

I looked at you and said, "It doesn't matter which one is bigger. What matters is that they grow." 

Every year I prayed that your sunflower seeds grew because if one of the seeds did not thrive,

I did not want to face that moment of tears or disappointment…but by the grace of God all your sunflowers grew taller than each of you.

Your sunflowers always bloomed into big, bright, strong flowers that followed the sun with their “flower faces."

I had no idea how symbolic this would be later in my life and yours.

I want you children to know and understand that although your father and I had problems, it is not your fault. We made bad choices as a couple but having you children was not one of them to me. I was thrilled to carry you in my body and even more thrilled to carry you in my heart as I do everyday. 
My love for you has nor will ever be affected by what happens in day today events or challenges.

You kids are "human sunflowers" to me.

No one child is more special than the other. No one child is going to win the contest of being “bigger and better."
No one child is going to “out shine” the other because in the end of each day of my life, I want all of you children to turn your faces towards the sun and keep growing and thriving knowing that my love for each of you is infinitive. 

"To infinity and beyond" a reminder to you Justin that your favorite movie was Toy Story and you use to run around the house in your Buzz Lightyear costume saying this as you tried to fly in the air.

Do you remember what is so cool about a sunflower?

Once the sunflower blooms into its purest, most beautiful stage of its life, the center of its bloom has visible seeds that can be planted for the next season.
How totally AWESOME is that?

I sure do look forward to each year and your seasons in the sun.

I look forward to all of you creating your own families and planting your own seeds in this crazy world. You 4 are the strong stalk; the sunshine; the grace; the beauty; the resilience in my life to show me that in spite of the every-days.... you are strong and beautiful. I am so proud of each of you.

 I love each of so very much and will never forget all the happy moments we shared and will share.

Be at peace for no matter where, why, who or when you plant your seeds in your own gardens in life-you have imprinted happiness on my heart and wonderful memories that I carry everywhere I go. 

Be at peace my beautiful flowers and keep reaching towards the sun.